Elise Loehnen Is the Prophet We Should Be Paying Attention To
Her New York Times Best Seller about women’s Sisyphean pursuit of perfection unravels the patriarchy—with a nuanced look at how the Seven Deadly Sins have set women up to fail for millennia.
Most women won’t have to go far to find themselves in Elise Loehnen’s On Our Best Behavior. If you’ve laced up running shoes to “work off” dessert, you’re in there. If you’ve described a piece of clothing (or a person) as “sexy but not slutty” you’re there, too. There was one woman, however, who Elise never meant to include in the book: herself.
“When I first pitched this book,” she says, “it was supposed to be cultural commentary.” The original premise of the On Our Best Behavior—which uses the framework of the Seven Deadly Sins to unpack how the patriarchy has programmed women to be “good”—is still there, but we’d venture to guess that it’s her first-person storytelling throughout that drove the book to The New York Times Best Sellers list.
“As I went through the process with my editor, it became more and more clear that I had to put myself in there, if only to guide readers through the material and not be diagnosing other people’s stuff without actually acknowledging, ‘Hey, this is in me—intensely.’”
And so there she is, in the book’s very first paragraphs, hyperventilating on her therapist’s couch. Two chapters later, she’s examining the Deadly Sin of Sloth—which tells us that “‘good’ women are tireless and hardworking”—and laments: “I work all the time, I rarely sit down, and I don’t think I’ve watched more than 20 minutes of movie with my full attention in a decade.” Her words and experiences resonated deeply, particularly with women, landing Elise, a relative unknown, on the Times Best Sellers list (sandwiched between Prince Harry and Michelle Obama) less than a month after the book was published.
Of course a book’s thorough examination of problems both societal and personal begs the question, “Are there solutions?” Find the answer—plus, Elise’s “half-assed” writing ritual and the reason she can’t stop watching Love Island—below.
GODMOTHERS: What’s your morning routine?
EL: There’s no “avoiding my phone”—nothing that resembles an attempt at wellness. I wake up at 7 and try to shuffle my children out of bed, which involves back-tickling and cooing and then sometimes removing blankets; I get more inventive as the morning goes on. Even though they’re 8 and 11, it’s very hard to get them fed—and they’re eating things like Nutella toast—and get their teeth brushed. Often I find myself kneeling at their feet, putting on their socks and shoes and thinking, this can’t be right ... I don’t win here. But then I’ll walk them to school and get a coffee and get my husband a breakfast burrito. Once I’m home, I’ll go to my office and start working.
GODMOTHERS: How do you get your news?
EL: Mostly from The New York Times. And I love Jessica Yellin because she points me to what feels essential. She’s first in my Instagram Stories. I mean, I love media and I support and pay for a lot of media, but I’m not going to lie and say I read The New Yorker or The Atlantic religiously.
GODMOTHERS: What newsletters do you love?
EL: Nora McInerny’s She Tried; she’s so smart and funny. (I also love her podcast, Terrible, Thanks for Asking.) And I love Holly Whitaker. We have very different personalities, but I find her to be a really compelling writer. The End of My Career with Joel Stein is so funny. Also Puck—specifically Lauren Sherman; I’m excited to read her book about Victoria’s Secret. And Kate Manne, whose book on fat-phobia was just nominated for a National Book Award. What are you reading?
GODMOTHERS: If we’re being honest, Covid kind of broke my brain. I think I re-read 18 V.C. Andrews novels last year.
EL: I totally get it. I watch a lot of Love Island for that reason.
GODMOTHERS: Whatever gets us through the day. What music puts you in a good mood right now?
EL: I feel like there’s a resurgence of The Cranberries, and I’ve been loving that.
GODMOTHERS: Yes, the Royel Otis cover of “Linger”!
EL: And I love Emmylou Harris’ “Where Will I Be.”
GODMOTHERS: How do you get yourself out of a funk?
EL: I like to move my body. I do a dance-cardio class at The Workout LA that I find very cathartic. I actually find it emotionally moving, which is funny. Short of that, walking and talking with a friend, just in the neighborhood. People say venting isn’t helpful, but I find it helpful.
GODMOTHERS: What are some little things that make your day more enjoyable?
EL: There’s a company called Cinnamon Projects that makes Japanese-style incense that smells so good. I’ll light that—the 4 p.m. scent—and after it clears, I’ll light a Flamingo Estate candle. That’s my half-assed ritual if I’m writing. And my coffee from Joshua Tree, with half-and-half is like a warm hug. There’s a ritual to it that’s apparently very important to me. Also, my Muji notebooks and pens. I recognize that all of life is dealing with uncertainty—and I realize that routines give us small certainties, and those create calmness. But there are so few routines that I’ve been able to establish, so I appreciate these small consistencies.




GODMOTHERS: What are your favorite local business in LA?
EL: I love the people at Farmshop. I go almost every morning after I drop off my kids. And next door is Diesel, a bookstore. (If Godmothers were in my neighborhood, I would be there frequently, too!) Oh, and Vicente Foods! There are cheaper places to buy groceries, but I’ve been going there since I moved to LA and it’s always been the same staff—so clearly there’s something special happening there.
GODMOTHERS: Speaking of Godmothers, you were there opening weekend. You know the store was named with fairy godmothers in mind. Not “godmothers“ in the religious sense, but the women who cheer us on, celebrate us, and light us up. Is there a “godmother“ who shaped your life?
EL: Besides Jennifer Rudolph Walsh—who’s a godmother and a god-sister—one who’s no longer here is Anne Truitt. I dated her grandson, and so I got to spend a lot of time with her before she died. She was an incredible artist who also wrote books, including Daybook and Turn, and they’re just beautiful. And she’s still present in my life. I’ve been in Diesel and heard someone asking about her books; or, once, I was walking through the store and I accidentally knocked a book off of a shelf, and when I looked down, I saw the book was her posthumous journal. She was just so grounded and cool, and also had a very routinized, simple, beautiful life—almost like a Quaker. I also learned later that she had the same interest I do, in the mystical.


GODMOTHERS: When did your interest in the mystical start?
EL: When my brother-in-law—who was also my best friend—died in his sleep in 2017. I had been working on a series of articles about death, and I was pulling books that had been sent to me from my bookshelf—The Light Between Us by Laura Lynne Jackson, who’s a psychic medium. Proof of Heaven by Eben Alexander. Erasing Death by Sam Parnia. I had a whole stack of books I was planning to take home on Friday. I got distracted and didn’t bring them home, and then on Sunday, Peter died. Maybe a month or two after that, I had set up an interview with Laura Lynne, and about halfway through she said, “I have someone here. Do you mind?” And it was Peter. She brought up inside jokes and highly specific details. It was WILD—one of the wildest experiences. So that really swung the door wide open for me.
GODMOTHERS: So in your book, you talk about the book Overwhelmed, which outlined a writer’s attempt at living a life with less stress and more leisure. You interviewed the writer, Brigid Schulte, after her book became a New York Times Best Seller, and (spoiler alert) she was still overwhelmed. After writing your book—and looking closely at how the Seven Deadly Sins shape women’s lives—do they still, like, weigh on you?
EL: You mean, am I cured?
GODMOTHERS: Exactly. And will I be cured by the time I get to the last page?
EL: I’m actually writing a workbook that will come out next year, because I realized there’s a sense, after you understand it all, of, “OK, well NOW what, asshole?” And even for me, three years later, it’s a process. After I finished the book I fell off a horse and broke my neck. And I was completely fine—
GODMOTHERS: Except for the BROKEN NECK?
EL: I mean, I’m fine, I was fine—but I had to wear a neck brace for a month and I couldn’t do anything. And that gave me so much anxiety. Even though I had a broken neck, I was like, “Oh my god, who’s going to put the kids’ laundry away?” The feeling of not being able to be my productive self and make everyone need me, it was so hard. But I recognized that the things that drive me crazy—like laundry that’s not put away—are things that only I care about. So I would say for me, it just was the beginning of a process of actually understanding. I’m still “working” the book. I’ve been doing a lot of work around food and my body, and I’m still doing work around scarcity and money. I’m still catching myself.
GODMOTHERS: A masterpiece and a work in progress, as the saying goes. What’s the last great book you read?
EL: I just read Father Time by Sarah Blaffer Hrdy. It’s a University Press book and very few people will read it, but it’s so good and fun and chatty. I wish everyone would read it. I also just read The Choice by Edith Eva Eger, which is about her experience in the Holocaust. The first fifth of it is about her parents dying in the camps, but it’s really about why she and her sister survived and how they survived and mindset and forgiveness. It’s very beautiful. There’s a young adult edition, The Ballerina of Auschwitz, that was just published.




GODMOTHERS: OK, keep going.
EL: Another person who I’ve been reading deeply is James Hollis. He’s probably best-known for writing Finding Meaning In the Second Half of Life, but I really loved The Broken Mirror. He’s a Jungian therapist, and he’s so good at translating Jung so you’re like, “Oh, I get all of this, and it’s so applicable.“ I think The Broken Mirror is an essential read for men.
GODMOTHERS: How many books do you read a year?
EL: Probably 100? Reading is mostly what I do—besides watching Love Island and playing tile-matching games. I had a big Tetris phase, too.
GODMOTHERS: I also have a dumb game app name that makes me feel bad about myself, but I can’t stop.
EL: No, don’t! It’s deeply relaxing.
GODMOTHERS: I mean, I did read a study that said playing Tetris after trauma helped veterans with PTSD.
EL: And every day in this country is a trauma, so ...
For more from Elise Loehnen, check out her podcast, Pulling the Thread.
1. Linea + Solo Incense Set in 4 p.m. by Cinnamon Projects.
2. The First Roast by Joshua Tree Coffee.
3. 5-Pack Ruled Notebook Set by Muji.
4. Gel Ink Ballpoint Pen 0.5mm by Muji.
5. Daybook by Anne Truitt.
6. Turn by Anne Truitt.
7. Father Time by Sarah Blaffer Hrdy.
8. The Choice by Edith Eva Eger.
9. The Ballerina of Auschwitz by Edith Eva Eger.
10. The Broken Mirror by James Hollis.
Quotes have been edited for length & clarity. All products mentioned were independently selected. If you buy something, we may earn an affiliate commission.
Godmothers Gather: Upcoming Events
6 p.m. | Friday, October 4
In Conversation with Dani Shapiro & Jennifer Rudolph Walsh
author of Signal Fires & co-founder of Godmothers
11 a.m. | Saturday, October 19
Storytime with Stephanie Allain
author of Who’s in Charge?
2 p.m. | Sunday, October 20
On the Stage: Anna Vocino
author of Eat Happy Italian
6 p.m. | Wednesday, October 23
On the Stage: Claire Bidwell Smith
author of Conscious Grieving
11 a.m. | Saturday, October 26
Storytime with Brigette Barrager
illustrator of Lucy!
6 p.m. | Tuesday, October 29
On the Stage: Pat Wadors
author of Unlock Your Leadership Story